No apologies, but – it’s going to be yet another super long whiny rant from me. I’ve had a VERY shitty day at work (ended up bawling, until a power cut forced me to take a step back and remind myself that I’m allowed to hate an arsehole even if I have to continue working with them).

It’s my second time experiencing office culture where bullying seems to be the primary method of crowd control, and while it comes from the sides (and not top down) – the standards you walk past are the standards you accept, so it clearly is green-lit by the higher ups.

What scares me is the fact that I feel so exhausted by it all I literally have zero motivation to try to change anything this time round. And I am not alone.

My LinkedIn wall is filled with people taking sabbaticals and looking for new, more “mindful” roles (it’s code for “recovering from a mental breakdown and wanting to be treated like a human”). Talk to them a bit more, and about half are on a spiritual journey that seems to have coincided – totally unrelated, yeah?! – with the relationships and atmosphere in their previous workplace taking a sudden nosedive.

And as scary as my own apathy (when it comes to me and my needs, I’d still run to the battle for someone else) is the language these people use, the defeat and hopelessness in their tone.

Workplace bullying has become an invisible epidemic.

And while bullying – to a degree – is a natural (albeit undesirable) part of human behaviour in a group setting, the acceptance of it speaks volumes about the direction we, as a so-called intelligent species, have chosen to take.

Treating others with kindness is not SOFT or LEFT WING, it’s common sense.

Throughout human history (and even before it), kindness has served a crucial function: you are safer, stronger, and more resilient in a group that wants to protect you, not one that’s forced to; and certainly MUCH better off than when being on your own.

In many primate societies, including macaques and bonobos (hey-ho, I learned that at our local Monkey Forest!), leadership isn’t inherited, it’s earned through a democratic process. Future alpha males are often the ones sharing food, grooming others, babysitting the young, and sticking up for weaker members of the group. A leader surrounded by allies survives longer, reciprocity beats fear.

Look at modern societies. The most successful nations on every quality-of-life index aren’t the most ruthless, competitive or free-for-all. They are ones where people choose to put larger common gain ahead of small personal wins. Think of Nordic countries where high taxes also fund better support systems, and the mentality of wanting to share is a part of national pride.  Where you’re helped up rather than kept down.

Bullying is a sign of regression. In evolutionary terms, it signals fragility in disguise, not power or and strength. A company that tolerates bullying is only in for the quick wins. It supports the personal gains of the few at the expense of many, and as an organization it’s built to survive, not to thrive.

Abuse is about what it adds up to, not about a single event.

All bullying is not created equal, and it rarely reaches the great heights of Hollywood villainy – so more often than not, it’s the Quantity and Targeting that give it true weight (and make it hard for the victim to prove, especially if each incident is reviewed in isolation).

It can be shouting. Humiliation, fearmongering, exclusion. Eye-rolling, snarky remarks, being the butt of unkind jokes. Having your words taken out of context and deliberately misunderstood, time and time again. Lies, passive-aggressive pushback, deliberate sabotage. Gaslighting. Systematic nitpicking. It may be a team lead who constantly forgets to invite you to vital meetings; or a co-worker who never manages to remember your name. And it can be much worse. Hiding your boots in the middle of winter, forcing you to walk through snow in slippers.  Someone stealing your food or spiking your coffee (huh, about a million years ago, fresh out of high school, I worked for a company where the CEO, during an especially difficult bipolar phase, started adding amphetamines to the staff coffee; and while being high and psychotic, put a knife to my throat. He ended up forcibly hospitalised, I ended up jobless – that very same day). Meetings scheduled and designed to force you to stay late; and then mocking you for being a bad parent and not being able to fetch your kids from the kindergarten on time. Having an inhalator emptied because “I just wanted to see how it works”. Creating closed employee chat groups with the sole purpose of talking shit about you and a few chosen others behind their backs. Blaming you for things they themselves orchestrated. Telling your team mates to take your words with a “grain of salt”, or outright advertising that you’re on the shortlist to be fired. Being late to pay you, forcing you to ask and beg for the money you’re owed – and then offering the payment up as a personal service you’re expected to be grateful for. Scheduling 14 meetings to your week of holiday.

All of these, by the way, are real experiences. Most have happened to people around me; a few are mine. Oh, and yes, I am the one who calls it out and intervenes – which, naturally, has made my life easy 😀

Majority of bullying victims never report it. Of the many (MANY) stories I’ve heard from people within the last 10 years – almost everyone has tried, at one point, to draw a manager’s attention to what’s happening. Almost all of them speak of it having made things worse, only a few (and if so, with gushing praise!!!) talk of positive examples. And since bullying is a persistent act and repercussions for reporting can be long-lasting and repetitive, one bad experience may be enough to put you off from trying to fight it for life.

What makes it worse is that it spreads. Other victims see bullying being reported, and victims suffering for it – being labelled “toxic”, “overreacting”, “unprofessional” and “lousy team players”. That it’s the victims, and not bullies, who are the first to become “not a cultural fit”.

They notice that HR is not much of assistance, offering up a few sympathetic murmurs only to loop back with a gentle, bureaucratic shrug. Worse, they see the victims leave, and… bullies stay, perhaps even advancing in their career.

The cost of bullying is measurable, and it’s freaking expensive.

According to Safe Work Australia: “Bullying contributes to absenteeism, presenteeism, staff turnover, and compensation claims, costing businesses an estimated $14,000 per affected employee annually.”

Not only is it morally and ehtically wrong – it’s also fiscally irresponsible.

A Harvard Business School study found that that a single “toxic employee” can cost a company over $12,000 per year, even if they’re technically “productive.” And let’s not forget: that’s only the visible part of the iceberg, where causation and correlation are clear.

The secondary and “muddled” effects of bullying are not lesser just because they are more difficult to measure. Just a few to think about:

  • Victims of bullying are more likely to suffer bigger burnouts – how do you measure the loss of productivity that stems from bullying alone?
  • High staff turnover – recruitment and onboarding costs on top of loss of productivity due to staffing gaps. If it’s constant, where do you place a benchmark of what should be?
  • Fear based culture kills innovation and motivation and produces risk-averse teams. Try measuring the revenue you could have made, but have no clue about it?
  • The damage to the mental and physical health: longer staff depletion times, higher insurance premiums, more sick day payouts… There is a strong suggestion that bullied employees tend to stay ill for longer (not necessarily faking it, they literally are worried sick), but how would you know if the average flu would take an employee out for 3 days instead of a 5 if the jerk from the sales team would have been fired the third time he was reported for arsehole behaviour?!

In other words, it’s not – in any way, shape or form – just a “soft and emotional” issue. It’s a measurable, tangible problem that has zero upsides and a lot of downsides. So… why are we not up in arms about it?!?

A co-worker friend of mine liked to describe the then-management’s wilful ignorance of actual business blockers as “discussing upgrading the wallpaper when the curtains are on fire”. Bullying may very well have been the match that lit the curtains – while the bullies were praised for coming up with the slogan “smoke is a vibe”.

Bullying can only survive in cultures where it’s rewarded, rebranded or ignored.

In my humble experience, and from what I’ve read or heard, it’s virtually unheard of for “bullying” to be discussed as such regardless of what was going on or the evidence that has been provided. In about – and this is a random statistic based on tea leaves and gut! – 90% of cases, it seems to come down to:

  • “A strong personality”
  • “Old-school leadership”
  • “Being blunt”
  • “Mismatched communication styles”
  • “High pressure to perform”
  • “Just a joke”

We dress it up as intensity and passion; misunderstood humour and an overreaction (from either the bully or the victim). In many cases, the person doing the harming gets framed as being a “single minded high performer”. A former boss of mine – the one that left me with PTSD – was, apparently, “very efficient”. How would 50% of annual staff turnover play into that long term efficiency was not nearly as clear as the fact that he was a “man of action”, everyone failing was “shit anyway” and, all in all, it was a company with a “strong organizational culture”. Strong it was, for sure, just… I guess a tad bit too pungent for my liking.

According to the Workplace Bullying Institute’s 2021 survey (I asked ChatGPT for some numbers, I had no clue such glorious organization even exists!):

  • 61% of U.S. employees are aware of abusive conduct in the workplace.
  • But only 9% of bullied employees report it formally.
  • 65% of targets lose their jobs as a result of being bullied.

Shocking? Well… if you look at what’s going on there, it shouldn’t be. At worst, being a tyrant is now aspirational. At best, it’s so normal it is almost invisible, leaving only the changing behaviour of the victims to stand out as something that’s “out of place”.

And yes, bullied employees are more likely to exit than bullies are to be disciplined. Something I, and my inner circle, can also confirm from personal experience. Clearly, if leadership hasn’t noticed, they’re either asleep or, more likely, must be actively supporting it.

When I’ve asked my friends and acquaintances (I’ve been intentional in spreading the “venting allowed” gospel) what have been the actual sentences they’ve heard when trying to report the bullying, a pattern emerges.

“Have you got any evidence?” -> “These are all minor incidents, have you got proof of actual abuse?” -> “There are two sides to every story!” -> “Let me remind you you’ve signed an NDA” -> “We’ll investigate, and if we see any reasons for concerns, we’ll take appropriate action” -> “It was reported that it is, in fact, you causing a toxic environment by your constant complaints.” -> “Good luck to you in your new job, and don’t forget you signed an NDA!”

If there is any actual investigation at all, they tend to focus on one or two specific incidents – that, out of the context of a pattern, are likely to be easily dismissed or explained away by “momentary stress” or as simple accidental “mishaps”, and the main goal of the investigators seems to mitigate potential (public) harm to the company rather than establishing justice.

And – therein lies the problem. Bullying isn’t a “conflict” or a group of independent events. It’s a pattern of intent and actions taken to cause harm and suffering, often with a power imbalance that, from the get-go, has given the bully a clear head start. It’s a fire that needs to be stomped out, not pushed under ground.

So, pretending to “stay neutral” is not diplomacy. Allowing the perpetrator to have a say in defining the suffering of their victim “in the name of fairness” is everything but. And deciding that the “middle ground” is that the “victim overreacted” is not a conclusion, it’s an endorsement.

Managers who remain silent aren’t “Switzerland”. They’re sitting next to the bully, nodding politely.

Sadly, since bullying is human (but tolerating it is stupid), it’s not a problem affecting only “bad” companies. “Cool” startups seem to be the worst offenders (mostly hiding behind “performance” excuses), followed by old-fashioned large companies that are becoming irrelevant to the consumers. And having a sauna, dedicated yoga room or using only recycled paper means NOTHING if the company has ride-or-die employees with full diplomatic immunity.

It happens and prevails because allowing bullying to survive does not take malice (a deliberate action to keep it alive) – it takes avoidance (of NOT taking a deliberate action to kill it).

Bullying slips through cracks because the person perceived to be the highest performer gets to set the tone and the others are expected to provide enough harmony and peace for everyone. And because truth challenges such setups (or, the very least, reexamines them on a regular basis), truth-tellers get quickly labelled as “toxic” and “bad team players”. The more charismatic the bully is and the longer their personal history with the organisation, the more de facto management they become regardless of their de jure status.

The saddest part – there isn’t much you can do once the bullying culture has been established, nor can you prevent it if you’re not part of the management.

But you CAN set the tone and standards for yourself, and you CAN speak up and challenge behaviours if you see someone else being treated unfairly (and without turning yourself into a white crusader). And, above all, you CAN make it safe to have people come and talk with you when they need to vent. And if you feel powerless to do much of it still, what you CAN ALWAYS do – always! – is to make a deliberate effort to share as much public praise to people as possible. To express value of their opinions to counteract the dehumanisation.

And if you’re a part of the management?

  • Set up an anonymous reporting system, investigate claims, and make sure the office knows and trusts the process.
  • Ask people who leave WHY they leave, what you could have done differently so they would have stayed. Make the conversation pleasant and rewarding, not an inquisition.
  • Look for signs of distress and silencing.
  • Make sure the performance-based rewards go to the workers, and evaluate team leads based on how they lead.
  • Assume you work for your staff, not vice versa – and treat them with appropriate respect.
  • Welcome back previous employees, and celebrate your people’s achievements (both personal as well as professional).
  • Set higher standards for yourself, and never ever allow yourself more leeway than you’re willing to give others.
  • Enforce zero tolerance policies, and make sure your team leads know how to spot potential issues.
  • Praise honesty over being easy.

Today was a really shitty day, not because it was so bad but because it proved all it takes is one douchebag with a carte blanche to highlight exactly how little value anyone else has. It does not give me PTSD, but it’s 3.15am and there is no sleep in sight for me once again 🙁